Friday, 4 November 2011

Breakup Letter To The Internet

Dear Internet.  This sort of isn't working out.  Since I've been too tired to do much but spend 80% of my time in bed for the last 4 weeks, you are the obvious choice for passing the time at 2.30 in the morning or when I decide I should prooobably ease up on the oxazepam.  I mean it's been fun, but you need to shape up.  I've now looked up funny bumper stickers, anti-jokes and watched the 'Badass Honey Badger narrated by Randall' on Youtube a lot while waiting for that guy in Canada to illegally upload new Bones episodes.  You're getting boring.  Plus I think I'm stuffing up muscles in my arm by leaning up in bed to type, and it's totally your fault.  If you don't pick things up I might have to go back to reading Harry Potter and I REALLY don't want to do that cos I've already read it 3 times (forwards, backwards and forwards again, if you wanted to know).  That's your fault, internet.  Randall and the Honey Badger gives you some good seratonin the first 3 times but after a while anything will start to get old.  How hard can it be to fit the bill of 'interesting enough that I don't give up while not causing mental stress and boosting my seratonin'.  Apparently pretty hard.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, it's not you, it's me (after all I can't be completely ungrateful for all those lady gaga videos since my ipod's mad at my laptop.)  Plus let's be honest, if I'm stuck in bed for another week I may want to give this another shot out of sheer boredom, so I sort of want to butter you up.  Hope we can still be friends.  Sincerely me.

So that's my letter. I do have one problem though... I don't know how to get it to The Internet, which is pretty important since I wouldn't want to break up with the internet and have everybody else know and the Internet be all, oh but I thought we were still together, and I had to hear it from a friend, why couldn't you tell it to my face.  Cos that's just bad manners. Does The Internet have a hotmail?  I'd totally text, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those scams where someone posing as the internet sends you lots of spam at $5.50 a message.  And I can't really tweet this, cos it's a little more than 140 characters.  It'd be way more if I translated it into binary code, maybe I should look into that to sort of soften the blow a bit, you know, show I care about where the Internet's coming from.  But seriously, if anyone knows how I can contact the internet let me know, or even if you know Bill Gates or someone, I'm pretty sure he could hook me up.  Peace out, home dogs :o)

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