So last night my housemate figured out I needed a talk, it might have been the Limp Bizkit or possibly me spray painting 'for lease to leprechauns' over my door. And she was like, hey don't freak out about this centrelink/my job/CFS/medication crap. There's still things we could try. Then she suggested frontal lobotomies which cheered me up immensely, and I was like I would TOTALLY buy a ticket on that ride. Then we started making retarded drool faces and acting out the music video to Thriller.
But then I read something on this blog that there's this endangered South American frog that secretes juice 100 times more powerful than morphine that's also not addictive and she was like WE NEED TO SAVE MORPHINE FROG AND BTW WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE AND WHERE CAN I FIND ONE.
So now I'm amending my lobotomy plan to 'I would totally buy a ticket on that ride if they throw in a morphine frog'. Cos that would be one heck of a party. Then I thought, it would be like in that episode of the Simpsons where everyone thinks there's an alien in the forest but it's really Mr Burns hooked up to an IV. And everyone was super friendly.
ETA: You know what would be even better that a morphine frog? A zombie morphine frog. Cos they're UNDEAD. So it wouldn't go and die on you, and you'd never have to source a new one, or try and breed them. Plus, zombies eat brains, so you wouldn't have to get a real lobotomy, your frog would be a handy all-in-one solution. And it would drool morphine, cos zombies drool, and I would also drool cos it had eaten my brains, and we'd be drooly best buddies. The only downside is, a zombie morphine frog is so cool, lots of people would want one, so me and morphine frog would have to travel the globe running away so no one would catch us. We'd be outlaws, like Robin Hood. But with morphine.
ETA 2: I just remembered that if you OD on morphine you can die, but it would be okay cos I'd just get zombie frog to turn me into a zombie too. I think they do that by biting. Except that frogs don't have any teeth which could be a problem, so I might have to cross it with a vampire too, because you can't be a vampire and not have teeth, so zombie morphine frog would have to grow teeth. But I wouldn't use the sparkly kind of vampire. They're really gay.
ETA 3: I should probably let you guys know that if I do get turned into a lobotomised zombie vampire, which let's face it is a legitimate risk, I would fully promise not to come after you and eat your brains or whatever, cos I would be infected by a frog, so I reckon I would want to eat frogs brains or something. Just so you all feel safe. I'd probably be perfectly happy with a really rare steak.